Smithereens

I want to tell you things.  There's this wealth of mundane improvement that I can shower upon you now.  I'm a better cook and (hopefully) better dressed. I lost a little weight. But all of that is irrelevant.

Oh my how supportive Chris can be. If only I could motivate myself to do something actual with my life.  If only I had any sort of ambition beyond paying my bills.


Strange things have happened to my identity when I decided to stop doing theatre for awhile.  I am a nanny, but I don't identify myself that way. I'm broke, so I don't seek my identity in objects or clothing.  I tend to seek it in relationships.  I suppose that's why old shadows are still on my mind on occasion.  If I can prove myself over and over and over again to someone whose approval I'll never feel like I have, then perhaps I'll pursue that approval forever. Maybe I'll even be momentarily happen in proving myself. Mostly, it makes me feel beholden.  How could this person I so admire stoop to deal with me and my endless array of personal shit? Because I make it worth their while.

So now I have to track down my identity and recreate it. This time as something else again. What shall I be?

screw it

i accidentally did a crappy thing to a friend last night. Fuck it.  He'll go his way. I'll go mine. let the friend experiment come to a close.



It was never a good idea anyway.

This Amazing Thing

This amazing thing happened to me tonight:  I met this guy, a friend of a bosses's buddy from that time with the thing... and he was totally lovely and thought I was funny and enchanting and told me I should write.  Comedy. Yea. What?


This gent, this guy who has gone and lived, is the lover of an actor, is a hair older than my parents, is advising me to do some writing samples for an existing sitcom.


We're all standing around a barbeque pit and speaking extempore about ourselves and I'm playing the part of the funny interesting girl who smiles and talks a lot.  I find a rhythm.  The plays I make are quick and quippy, but I keep it complimentary and I keep myself open.  And somehow, for just a moment, I'm charming everyone.


Keeping that in mind I'm just going to riff for a while...


A:  (to his best friend who has just physically fallen down after totally underwhelming the woman he was chatting up) So you're having an off night, yea?

B:  The thing you have to know about me is, I'm charming.  Goofy is charming, awkward is charming.  I'm a charming guy.   I've got her exactly where I need her to be.

A: and where's that...? the buffet table between the Alaskan crab puffs and the guy who looks like the President of the Handsome Men Society?

B:  This is why I hated you when we were kids.

A:  You didn't hate me, I hated you, Skippy McFalldown.  Come on, I'll buy ya a beer.

Rough, right?  Needs editting.  " guy who looks like the President of the Handsome Men Society?" needs to be shorter. But, it was fun and it took me a few minutes to do.  I might could do this, for no other reason than to keep the synapses firing. who knows?

the walrus and the carpenter, cabbages and kings

Greetings from nannyland.  Things that are awesome :
my babysitting family, from top to bottom is a collective of super smart super nice people
my computer is coming back to me this week
my best guypal (and more) ever in the universe might be coming towards me soon-ish
my bank account has money in it that I EARNED
my jobs for this summer will be decided this week/weekend
my body is healthy - yay free gym access!
my job perks are great
my favorite author is speaking in the city tonight so i'm headed there after work

Things that I will work on:
being a better driver, trust me on this, folks
setting boundaries with the kiddos and also teaching them stuff
this summer- for the love of all things
figure out how i feel about my current relationship - end or no
apply for jobs this fall
maybe talk to someone about counceling - either way some like breif non-big deal self acceptance exercises
keep current in what and who are working where in my field

so, self-exploration, anybody, thoughts?

What now?

I live to be validated.  i do.  So perhaps if i accept that, then i can start to change it.  I am excited about my new job.  I am excited about moving on.

I've torn down a lot of bridges behind me and I don't feel great about that. I don't do it intentionally.  Perhaps compartmentalizing is just really intense in that one part of my life.

In the mean time, screw it.  It's beautiful outside and there have been a few small perfect moments this week. I'll take it.  I'm still moving forward, crashing and banging into things, hurting people.  I am not a new case study.  There are many like me.  i have to remember that. I DON'T WANT TO BE HAPPIEST WHEN I'M MISERABLE AND I REALLY DON'T WANT TO BE TERMINALLY SPECIAL.

That's the news from Lake Wobegon.

New goals:
-be less shallow and self-involved
-give everyone else a chance to make up their minds about what to do with me, don't write their narratives for them
- finish book
-eat a little less cheese

-katie

We Raise It Up, This Offering

I am beyond feeling really guilty over how I haven't done as well professionally as I would have liked recently.  I've spread myself very thin and felt terribly guilty and now I am complacent  I wish that were not so, but alas it is.



That being said I still desire to do well and will continue to strive.

The soapier parts of my life are pretty calm, but we'll see how long that lasts.  The old hopes are still with me and have been poking their heads up more and more.  I am a happy woman, but also a restless one.  more very soon. I just need to regain myself in all of this bustle.

by the way, thank you, for coming along on this journey of validation - i wish i didn't need it - but i have named my beast and shall now start a plan to confront it, which might start with befriending it

ummm....okay

I got some great news today, more details about jobs to come.  I got tons of mail, which I love.  I was productive.  I had a great day!

There are people in my life who are new to me.  There's just a whole lot of them.  That happens when you work in an industry where you change jobs every 3 months.  I don't really know how to f-ing navigate people who haven't figured out how to deal with and/or get me yet.  There's something really grating about that.  I am just having some trouble with that. I haven't learned the boundaries. I don't have a net and a network.  I'm busier than ever so there's less and less time to log the hours a comfort zone requires.  Do they sense that?  Is my discomfort written all over my face?   Probably not. "Why,"you ask.  You're so clever to be curious!  I am really good at staying one step ahead of people and guiding them into liking me.  I do that.  It comes from a genuine place, but it's still what it is.  It is a little manipulative.  I just need to kind of figure this out, but I'm going to vent a little so I'm calm enough to do it.


Totally unrelated note of awesomeness.  Egypt, you rule!  A peaceful revolution occurred. A massive peaceful demonstration caused a leader to remove himself from power and move, for the first time in a nation as old as civilization, toward democracy.  What a magical time we live in.

Porn Rant

Also, apparently, a lot of sermons this past Sunday dealt with porn, specifically the dangers and evils of porn addiction, especially in this modern age of unfettered access.  Don't get me wrong, porn isn't necessarily my thing.  Neither am I lashing out as a party who's rights are being infringed upon, nor do I think pornography is necessarily evil.  It's just not what I'm into and largely strikes me as ill-produced, faked (top to bottom), and a little weird.

Let's talk for a moment about what porn is - recorded sex and/or sexual suggestion that is then made public.  If you want to talk about the social injustices of porn, there certainly are some - a fair percentage of porn depicts women who have been augment, waxed, bleached, and made-up to the point where not only do they not really look like actual women anymore, but also it is a largely male dominated industry - men are behind the cameras, in the directors chairs, in the editing rooms, and in the production houses.  I sit here assuming that, I haven't looked it up, so if I'm wrong, which I would be surprised and happy about, please let me know.  This gender polarity doesn't make for the most socially equal footing and paints women, not necessarily as objects, but as pliable girlish partners who enjoy a slavish attention to male pleasure and are quite possibly pretending to enjoy sex that they do not actually enjoy.  I'm not great with that.  I think that if you're going to make films about sex and how great it is, have a little more female input.  But, as a friend just pointed out porn is largely consumed by men, and it is not abusive towards women, so perhaps it doesn't need any sort of massive overhaul.

Porn is recorded sex.  Why is there a market for recorded sex?  There is something to be said for being curious and for needing release, BUT there are a lot of ways to achieve release and to alleviate curiosity for that matter.  Is there a market, an audience for a recorded sex ritual? Yes indeed. Why? The human sex drive, as it happens, is second only to the human will to live.  Is it because we are told from birth not to touch, not to play with ourselves.  Also, let's look at the phrasing don't play with yourSELF.  Sex is an essential to the human condition. Live with it. We crave sex.  I also crave nutella. Giving into our basic urges all of the time is unwise and unhealthy.  However, so is not acknowledging that we have urges at all. There is a market for a public sex ritual because people desire to have sex, enjoy sex, and watch others having and enjoying sex.  Are we not getting the desired effects in our personal lives?  Should we or should we not?

So, dear pulpits, I challenge you and yours to look at what you actually have a problem with.  Is there such a thing as responsible, unobjectionable sex outside of marriage?  If both partners are without religious restraints, is that sex now acceptable even from the viewpoint of people who are remembers of a religion that prohibits that behavior?  Are people suffering from an addiction to porn?  If so, is it because of an unhealthy personal sexual experience or lack thereof?  Is it so tempting because the market is so saturated?

Porn is more convenient than ever.  So are videos of welsh corgies playing tether ball.  Access is great, even in a world where there are snuff films.  When we lose access to each other, I believe, we are worse off. So we're going to let a little ugly in with the good.  Also if your issue with porn is how it objectifies people (especially women), objectifying here means removing them of their humanity, again I would argue for access and not against.  If you are worried you have a problem with something talk to a person about it.  I get second and third opinions on things all the time.

Fucking is a part of being a person. Speak with candor and understanding.  Be aware of your own desires in the world.  Pursue that which brings joy and does not harm.  Be responsible for your own actions.  Help someone if they need it.  And don't you dare lash out at the porn industry without addressing the larger problem of sex and it's importance in a healthy human life, you cowards.

Additional thoughts.  Why is prostitution illegal and porn legal?  It is illegal to have sex with someone for money.  It is legal to be paid to shoot a video in which you have sex, not simulated sex, actual sex, with someone? That's a bit weird.  I'm not condoning prostitution. I'm acknowledging a legal oddity.

I was raised in a christian faith, which I am attempting to retain.  However, I do not believe that it is healthy to frighten and stifle a child who is, or will some day desire some form of sexual expression.  You don't hear that premarital sex is dirty and evil and then magically feel great about sex once you get married, I don't think.  I've never been married and can't say for certain.

Pornography and I can both exist in a socially responsible world.  Perhaps we already do.

Curiosities and the last of old rants

Thanks for checking in everybody, I'm feeling oddly loved and as always lovingly odd.  This is another, and hopefully the last of the recent rash of I have no idea what to make of my life rants that is stored up here on the ol' laptop.

A woman famous for her big mouth said something really lovely the other day, it was something like:  I never complain becuase I was brought up to believe that wherever  I am and whatever I'm doing I'm the only one responsible for that.  So, Chelsea Handler, well played.

I am just a mashed together series of selected parts: parts borrowed, stolen, patched, and sold to you, the observer.  Is Renee right, do I panic because I like it?   I like the attentions, I can say that with certainty.  I am vain and terribly aware that appearance should matter to me a great deal less than it does at the present.

Right now I am: getting back into stage managing, attempting to be a better chess player, reading, volunteering (figuring out whether anyone should trust me with their children - also if I actually like children or just behave like one), shamelessly obsessing about money, freaking out about how old I am and how reliant I am on others.  Right now I would like to be:  dancing, fighting, practicing piano, and working a better paying job that is closer to my apartment.  It should be noted I would like to also be doing those things.  I am not willing to give up chess, reading, or volunteering.

            Do I like who I am when I am alone?  Do I like who I am when I am dating?

The answer to the second question is almost always a “yes” even when it is not an enthusiastic yes.  I am honest, open, helpful, and loving when I am in relationships.  I, of course, exhibit negative traits in relationships as well, but largely other people bring out good parts of me.  I am still learning self-control.  I feel I’m probably not alone in this pursuit.  I am wildly self-involved.  Would it not be better to pursue a duty to others every morning when I wake up?  Is that the path, forgive the phrasing, to enlightenment and happiness?

            Given the chance and the resources to really attempt to make the world better what would I want to do?  I would help build roads and schools in the Middle East and Africa.  I would create a much larger and more comprehensive advertising apparatus for fine art in this country.  Encouraging exploration and connection is important.  Public schools are abysmal. I would encourage a much stronger geography program and a much stronger foreign language program.  Let’s not even get into mathematics in this nation, or history for that matter, at which I myself am pretty atrocious.  I know that there is a lot of techno-fear which I don’t endorse, but there is something to be said for re-introducing and strongly encouraging human to human interaction.  Time and time again we have seen how corporations abuse a public with whom they have lost touch.  It is easy to abuse a laborer whom you have never seen or touched in any way.  It is difficult to abuse your own child or neighbor or spouse.

 

Welcome to the Shiny and New

I officially have no idea what the password is to get back to my old blog - so here we are - shiny new blog, same old me.

So here's what you've missed, audience:  I've been in Chicago for over a year.  I spent last summer in a rinky-dink town doing stage management for a teeny tiny summer company.  I had a great time.  I spent the fall doing some not-so-awesome sm-ing for a really great show.  So I decided to take a break.  Right now I am hourly employee by day and volunteer gal on occasion, but mostly I've taken my break and now I'm spinning my wheels. I'm not wild about it, so consider this my toast - to new experiences, new projects, and hopefully a new tighter grip on my direction in life.

Also, just to be clear.  I am a huge, HUGE supporter of human rights and education.  My mother is teacher and education is a religion all it's own where I'm from. I will make my decisions in accordance.
Now, readers and friends, as you know blogging is a deliciously selfish art.  My opinions on love, sex, life goals, and vanity will all be making an appearance very very soon.

I miss home every day.  I still talk about college all the time because it was in college that I cobbled together the person I am now.  I miss my best friend.

Here's a little something I expelled out into the world the other night:

FUCK YOU, existential crisis, just fucking fuck you already, jeez.  Yes, I'd like to be actually good at something without working really really hard.  I would like for things I do to just come together.  I don't feel that's exceptionally greedy.

I chose to surround myself with really intelligent people, for whom I am and should be grateful.  For example, there is the big sweetheart a couple feet away.  Brilliant and capable he sits there surrounded by the symbols of adult accomplishment:  a single bedroom apartment, tidy, matching objects neatly oppose each other creating a comfortable elegance.  Tomorrow morning he will hop in his well-functioning car and drive to his 9 to 5 and work for his salary and benefits.  I will dick around and go to my part-time bookstore gig.  I am the new Christopher and Phil is the new black.  Here again, he's a big sweetheart and I have absolutely nothing against him.  I applaud the accomplishments.  I envy his comfortable routine.  This is what comes of diligence.  The ADD, spoiled child, rabbit-heart inside me thumps with dread - diligence.  He's also handsome and well read.

If you're reading this, please, take no offense and know that I know this is not all that you are.  I am aware of you as a scholar, technician, friend, and lover.  I have noticed you.  At your core you have created yourself to be a good man.  Please understand the full weight of my meaning; "good man" is one of the highest compliments I offer.  For the sake of parameters, other people you might find yourself measured against include Atticus Finch and my own father.  As for creating, forming oneself, I mention it because I value it highly as well.  In fact it is the standard by which I attempt to navigate my own life.  Feeling adrift in my own existence this past year has gone from bold strike into a bright future to a fearfulcrawl on all fours to a source of mild self-loathing.  Rodman Philbrick describes this notion as "falling back to earth" or as being unhorsed, as a knight in battle who is outnumbered might be.  I fancy myself a child and thus excuse my non-adult life.