SciFi is better than no Fi at all

In my recent addiction to John Green I have rediscovered why, more than anyone, I love smart (all be them, nerdy) writers.  In one of many videos he discusses ways in which we are haunted by the past, not memories but also by citizens of times before our own.

Science fiction reminds us over and over that humanity, in it's attempts to perfect itself, will create tragedy.  We are the architects of our own suffering.  In the corrupt laws of our lands, in xenophobia, zealotry, we curse the generations to come.  We also, as happens in pretty much every story ever told, find in ourselves tremendous capacity for survival and for moments of joy, for lifetimes of hope.

He, John Green, also discusses the importance of community and of mutual concern, a thought oft brought up in Science Fiction.  Be warned, he is not a scifi writer, but has inspired many.  Currently I am reading an Ender novel and rewatching Battlestar Galactica, both compelling humanist philosophy exercises dressed up as stories about space and war and occasionally bigass shiny robots.

Also, an open letter to all people who, with nose upturned, reject genre fiction, let me remind you of some genre fiction writers:  Ray Bradbury (science fiction), Stephen King (horror), and Ernest Hemingway (nature). Then, allow me to remind you not to confuse romance novels with the rest of genre.  There is entertainment in romance and that is full enough of it's own merit, but in mystery and scifi there is completely compelling intellectual debate, not all of the time, but at least some of the time, and some of it is gorgeous. Affectionately, Katie

Smithereens

I want to tell you things.  There's this wealth of mundane improvement that I can shower upon you now.  I'm a better cook and (hopefully) better dressed. I lost a little weight. But all of that is irrelevant.

Oh my how supportive Chris can be. If only I could motivate myself to do something actual with my life.  If only I had any sort of ambition beyond paying my bills.


Strange things have happened to my identity when I decided to stop doing theatre for awhile.  I am a nanny, but I don't identify myself that way. I'm broke, so I don't seek my identity in objects or clothing.  I tend to seek it in relationships.  I suppose that's why old shadows are still on my mind on occasion.  If I can prove myself over and over and over again to someone whose approval I'll never feel like I have, then perhaps I'll pursue that approval forever. Maybe I'll even be momentarily happen in proving myself. Mostly, it makes me feel beholden.  How could this person I so admire stoop to deal with me and my endless array of personal shit? Because I make it worth their while.

So now I have to track down my identity and recreate it. This time as something else again. What shall I be?

screw it

i accidentally did a crappy thing to a friend last night. Fuck it.  He'll go his way. I'll go mine. let the friend experiment come to a close.



It was never a good idea anyway.

This Amazing Thing

This amazing thing happened to me tonight:  I met this guy, a friend of a bosses's buddy from that time with the thing... and he was totally lovely and thought I was funny and enchanting and told me I should write.  Comedy. Yea. What?


This gent, this guy who has gone and lived, is the lover of an actor, is a hair older than my parents, is advising me to do some writing samples for an existing sitcom.


We're all standing around a barbeque pit and speaking extempore about ourselves and I'm playing the part of the funny interesting girl who smiles and talks a lot.  I find a rhythm.  The plays I make are quick and quippy, but I keep it complimentary and I keep myself open.  And somehow, for just a moment, I'm charming everyone.


Keeping that in mind I'm just going to riff for a while...


A:  (to his best friend who has just physically fallen down after totally underwhelming the woman he was chatting up) So you're having an off night, yea?

B:  The thing you have to know about me is, I'm charming.  Goofy is charming, awkward is charming.  I'm a charming guy.   I've got her exactly where I need her to be.

A: and where's that...? the buffet table between the Alaskan crab puffs and the guy who looks like the President of the Handsome Men Society?

B:  This is why I hated you when we were kids.

A:  You didn't hate me, I hated you, Skippy McFalldown.  Come on, I'll buy ya a beer.

Rough, right?  Needs editting.  " guy who looks like the President of the Handsome Men Society?" needs to be shorter. But, it was fun and it took me a few minutes to do.  I might could do this, for no other reason than to keep the synapses firing. who knows?

the walrus and the carpenter, cabbages and kings

Greetings from nannyland.  Things that are awesome :
my babysitting family, from top to bottom is a collective of super smart super nice people
my computer is coming back to me this week
my best guypal (and more) ever in the universe might be coming towards me soon-ish
my bank account has money in it that I EARNED
my jobs for this summer will be decided this week/weekend
my body is healthy - yay free gym access!
my job perks are great
my favorite author is speaking in the city tonight so i'm headed there after work

Things that I will work on:
being a better driver, trust me on this, folks
setting boundaries with the kiddos and also teaching them stuff
this summer- for the love of all things
figure out how i feel about my current relationship - end or no
apply for jobs this fall
maybe talk to someone about counceling - either way some like breif non-big deal self acceptance exercises
keep current in what and who are working where in my field

so, self-exploration, anybody, thoughts?

What now?

I live to be validated.  i do.  So perhaps if i accept that, then i can start to change it.  I am excited about my new job.  I am excited about moving on.

I've torn down a lot of bridges behind me and I don't feel great about that. I don't do it intentionally.  Perhaps compartmentalizing is just really intense in that one part of my life.

In the mean time, screw it.  It's beautiful outside and there have been a few small perfect moments this week. I'll take it.  I'm still moving forward, crashing and banging into things, hurting people.  I am not a new case study.  There are many like me.  i have to remember that. I DON'T WANT TO BE HAPPIEST WHEN I'M MISERABLE AND I REALLY DON'T WANT TO BE TERMINALLY SPECIAL.

That's the news from Lake Wobegon.

New goals:
-be less shallow and self-involved
-give everyone else a chance to make up their minds about what to do with me, don't write their narratives for them
- finish book
-eat a little less cheese

-katie

We Raise It Up, This Offering

I am beyond feeling really guilty over how I haven't done as well professionally as I would have liked recently.  I've spread myself very thin and felt terribly guilty and now I am complacent  I wish that were not so, but alas it is.



That being said I still desire to do well and will continue to strive.

The soapier parts of my life are pretty calm, but we'll see how long that lasts.  The old hopes are still with me and have been poking their heads up more and more.  I am a happy woman, but also a restless one.  more very soon. I just need to regain myself in all of this bustle.

by the way, thank you, for coming along on this journey of validation - i wish i didn't need it - but i have named my beast and shall now start a plan to confront it, which might start with befriending it