So here's what you've missed, audience: I've been in Chicago for over a year. I spent last summer in a rinky-dink town doing stage management for a teeny tiny summer company. I had a great time. I spent the fall doing some not-so-awesome sm-ing for a really great show. So I decided to take a break. Right now I am hourly employee by day and volunteer gal on occasion, but mostly I've taken my break and now I'm spinning my wheels. I'm not wild about it, so consider this my toast - to new experiences, new projects, and hopefully a new tighter grip on my direction in life.
Also, just to be clear. I am a huge, HUGE supporter of human rights and education. My mother is teacher and education is a religion all it's own where I'm from. I will make my decisions in accordance.
Now, readers and friends, as you know blogging is a deliciously selfish art. My opinions on love, sex, life goals, and vanity will all be making an appearance very very soon.
I miss home every day. I still talk about college all the time because it was in college that I cobbled together the person I am now. I miss my best friend.
Here's a little something I expelled out into the world the other night:
FUCK YOU, existential crisis, just fucking fuck you already, jeez. Yes, I'd like to be actually good at something without working really really hard. I would like for things I do to just come together. I don't feel that's exceptionally greedy.
I chose to surround myself with really intelligent people, for whom I am and should be grateful. For example, there is the big sweetheart a couple feet away. Brilliant and capable he sits there surrounded by the symbols of adult accomplishment: a single bedroom apartment, tidy, matching objects neatly oppose each other creating a comfortable elegance. Tomorrow morning he will hop in his well-functioning car and drive to his 9 to 5 and work for his salary and benefits. I will dick around and go to my part-time bookstore gig. I am the new Christopher and Phil is the new black. Here again, he's a big sweetheart and I have absolutely nothing against him. I applaud the accomplishments. I envy his comfortable routine. This is what comes of diligence. The ADD, spoiled child, rabbit-heart inside me thumps with dread - diligence. He's also handsome and well read.
If you're reading this, please, take no offense and know that I know this is not all that you are. I am aware of you as a scholar, technician, friend, and lover. I have noticed you. At your core you have created yourself to be a good man. Please understand the full weight of my meaning; "good man" is one of the highest compliments I offer. For the sake of parameters, other people you might find yourself measured against include Atticus Finch and my own father. As for creating, forming oneself, I mention it because I value it highly as well. In fact it is the standard by which I attempt to navigate my own life. Feeling adrift in my own existence this past year has gone from bold strike into a bright future to a fearfulcrawl on all fours to a source of mild self-loathing. Rodman Philbrick describes this notion as "falling back to earth" or as being unhorsed, as a knight in battle who is outnumbered might be. I fancy myself a child and thus excuse my non-adult life.
One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. "Which road do I take?" she asked. "Where do you want to go?" was his response. "I don't know," Alice answered. "Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."
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