Curiosities and the last of old rants

Thanks for checking in everybody, I'm feeling oddly loved and as always lovingly odd.  This is another, and hopefully the last of the recent rash of I have no idea what to make of my life rants that is stored up here on the ol' laptop.

A woman famous for her big mouth said something really lovely the other day, it was something like:  I never complain becuase I was brought up to believe that wherever  I am and whatever I'm doing I'm the only one responsible for that.  So, Chelsea Handler, well played.

I am just a mashed together series of selected parts: parts borrowed, stolen, patched, and sold to you, the observer.  Is Renee right, do I panic because I like it?   I like the attentions, I can say that with certainty.  I am vain and terribly aware that appearance should matter to me a great deal less than it does at the present.

Right now I am: getting back into stage managing, attempting to be a better chess player, reading, volunteering (figuring out whether anyone should trust me with their children - also if I actually like children or just behave like one), shamelessly obsessing about money, freaking out about how old I am and how reliant I am on others.  Right now I would like to be:  dancing, fighting, practicing piano, and working a better paying job that is closer to my apartment.  It should be noted I would like to also be doing those things.  I am not willing to give up chess, reading, or volunteering.

            Do I like who I am when I am alone?  Do I like who I am when I am dating?

The answer to the second question is almost always a “yes” even when it is not an enthusiastic yes.  I am honest, open, helpful, and loving when I am in relationships.  I, of course, exhibit negative traits in relationships as well, but largely other people bring out good parts of me.  I am still learning self-control.  I feel I’m probably not alone in this pursuit.  I am wildly self-involved.  Would it not be better to pursue a duty to others every morning when I wake up?  Is that the path, forgive the phrasing, to enlightenment and happiness?

            Given the chance and the resources to really attempt to make the world better what would I want to do?  I would help build roads and schools in the Middle East and Africa.  I would create a much larger and more comprehensive advertising apparatus for fine art in this country.  Encouraging exploration and connection is important.  Public schools are abysmal. I would encourage a much stronger geography program and a much stronger foreign language program.  Let’s not even get into mathematics in this nation, or history for that matter, at which I myself am pretty atrocious.  I know that there is a lot of techno-fear which I don’t endorse, but there is something to be said for re-introducing and strongly encouraging human to human interaction.  Time and time again we have seen how corporations abuse a public with whom they have lost touch.  It is easy to abuse a laborer whom you have never seen or touched in any way.  It is difficult to abuse your own child or neighbor or spouse.