screw it

i accidentally did a crappy thing to a friend last night. Fuck it.  He'll go his way. I'll go mine. let the friend experiment come to a close.



It was never a good idea anyway.

This Amazing Thing

This amazing thing happened to me tonight:  I met this guy, a friend of a bosses's buddy from that time with the thing... and he was totally lovely and thought I was funny and enchanting and told me I should write.  Comedy. Yea. What?


This gent, this guy who has gone and lived, is the lover of an actor, is a hair older than my parents, is advising me to do some writing samples for an existing sitcom.


We're all standing around a barbeque pit and speaking extempore about ourselves and I'm playing the part of the funny interesting girl who smiles and talks a lot.  I find a rhythm.  The plays I make are quick and quippy, but I keep it complimentary and I keep myself open.  And somehow, for just a moment, I'm charming everyone.


Keeping that in mind I'm just going to riff for a while...


A:  (to his best friend who has just physically fallen down after totally underwhelming the woman he was chatting up) So you're having an off night, yea?

B:  The thing you have to know about me is, I'm charming.  Goofy is charming, awkward is charming.  I'm a charming guy.   I've got her exactly where I need her to be.

A: and where's that...? the buffet table between the Alaskan crab puffs and the guy who looks like the President of the Handsome Men Society?

B:  This is why I hated you when we were kids.

A:  You didn't hate me, I hated you, Skippy McFalldown.  Come on, I'll buy ya a beer.

Rough, right?  Needs editting.  " guy who looks like the President of the Handsome Men Society?" needs to be shorter. But, it was fun and it took me a few minutes to do.  I might could do this, for no other reason than to keep the synapses firing. who knows?

the walrus and the carpenter, cabbages and kings

Greetings from nannyland.  Things that are awesome :
my babysitting family, from top to bottom is a collective of super smart super nice people
my computer is coming back to me this week
my best guypal (and more) ever in the universe might be coming towards me soon-ish
my bank account has money in it that I EARNED
my jobs for this summer will be decided this week/weekend
my body is healthy - yay free gym access!
my job perks are great
my favorite author is speaking in the city tonight so i'm headed there after work

Things that I will work on:
being a better driver, trust me on this, folks
setting boundaries with the kiddos and also teaching them stuff
this summer- for the love of all things
figure out how i feel about my current relationship - end or no
apply for jobs this fall
maybe talk to someone about counceling - either way some like breif non-big deal self acceptance exercises
keep current in what and who are working where in my field

so, self-exploration, anybody, thoughts?

What now?

I live to be validated.  i do.  So perhaps if i accept that, then i can start to change it.  I am excited about my new job.  I am excited about moving on.

I've torn down a lot of bridges behind me and I don't feel great about that. I don't do it intentionally.  Perhaps compartmentalizing is just really intense in that one part of my life.

In the mean time, screw it.  It's beautiful outside and there have been a few small perfect moments this week. I'll take it.  I'm still moving forward, crashing and banging into things, hurting people.  I am not a new case study.  There are many like me.  i have to remember that. I DON'T WANT TO BE HAPPIEST WHEN I'M MISERABLE AND I REALLY DON'T WANT TO BE TERMINALLY SPECIAL.

That's the news from Lake Wobegon.

New goals:
-be less shallow and self-involved
-give everyone else a chance to make up their minds about what to do with me, don't write their narratives for them
- finish book
-eat a little less cheese

-katie

We Raise It Up, This Offering

I am beyond feeling really guilty over how I haven't done as well professionally as I would have liked recently.  I've spread myself very thin and felt terribly guilty and now I am complacent  I wish that were not so, but alas it is.



That being said I still desire to do well and will continue to strive.

The soapier parts of my life are pretty calm, but we'll see how long that lasts.  The old hopes are still with me and have been poking their heads up more and more.  I am a happy woman, but also a restless one.  more very soon. I just need to regain myself in all of this bustle.

by the way, thank you, for coming along on this journey of validation - i wish i didn't need it - but i have named my beast and shall now start a plan to confront it, which might start with befriending it

ummm....okay

I got some great news today, more details about jobs to come.  I got tons of mail, which I love.  I was productive.  I had a great day!

There are people in my life who are new to me.  There's just a whole lot of them.  That happens when you work in an industry where you change jobs every 3 months.  I don't really know how to f-ing navigate people who haven't figured out how to deal with and/or get me yet.  There's something really grating about that.  I am just having some trouble with that. I haven't learned the boundaries. I don't have a net and a network.  I'm busier than ever so there's less and less time to log the hours a comfort zone requires.  Do they sense that?  Is my discomfort written all over my face?   Probably not. "Why,"you ask.  You're so clever to be curious!  I am really good at staying one step ahead of people and guiding them into liking me.  I do that.  It comes from a genuine place, but it's still what it is.  It is a little manipulative.  I just need to kind of figure this out, but I'm going to vent a little so I'm calm enough to do it.


Totally unrelated note of awesomeness.  Egypt, you rule!  A peaceful revolution occurred. A massive peaceful demonstration caused a leader to remove himself from power and move, for the first time in a nation as old as civilization, toward democracy.  What a magical time we live in.

Porn Rant

Also, apparently, a lot of sermons this past Sunday dealt with porn, specifically the dangers and evils of porn addiction, especially in this modern age of unfettered access.  Don't get me wrong, porn isn't necessarily my thing.  Neither am I lashing out as a party who's rights are being infringed upon, nor do I think pornography is necessarily evil.  It's just not what I'm into and largely strikes me as ill-produced, faked (top to bottom), and a little weird.

Let's talk for a moment about what porn is - recorded sex and/or sexual suggestion that is then made public.  If you want to talk about the social injustices of porn, there certainly are some - a fair percentage of porn depicts women who have been augment, waxed, bleached, and made-up to the point where not only do they not really look like actual women anymore, but also it is a largely male dominated industry - men are behind the cameras, in the directors chairs, in the editing rooms, and in the production houses.  I sit here assuming that, I haven't looked it up, so if I'm wrong, which I would be surprised and happy about, please let me know.  This gender polarity doesn't make for the most socially equal footing and paints women, not necessarily as objects, but as pliable girlish partners who enjoy a slavish attention to male pleasure and are quite possibly pretending to enjoy sex that they do not actually enjoy.  I'm not great with that.  I think that if you're going to make films about sex and how great it is, have a little more female input.  But, as a friend just pointed out porn is largely consumed by men, and it is not abusive towards women, so perhaps it doesn't need any sort of massive overhaul.

Porn is recorded sex.  Why is there a market for recorded sex?  There is something to be said for being curious and for needing release, BUT there are a lot of ways to achieve release and to alleviate curiosity for that matter.  Is there a market, an audience for a recorded sex ritual? Yes indeed. Why? The human sex drive, as it happens, is second only to the human will to live.  Is it because we are told from birth not to touch, not to play with ourselves.  Also, let's look at the phrasing don't play with yourSELF.  Sex is an essential to the human condition. Live with it. We crave sex.  I also crave nutella. Giving into our basic urges all of the time is unwise and unhealthy.  However, so is not acknowledging that we have urges at all. There is a market for a public sex ritual because people desire to have sex, enjoy sex, and watch others having and enjoying sex.  Are we not getting the desired effects in our personal lives?  Should we or should we not?

So, dear pulpits, I challenge you and yours to look at what you actually have a problem with.  Is there such a thing as responsible, unobjectionable sex outside of marriage?  If both partners are without religious restraints, is that sex now acceptable even from the viewpoint of people who are remembers of a religion that prohibits that behavior?  Are people suffering from an addiction to porn?  If so, is it because of an unhealthy personal sexual experience or lack thereof?  Is it so tempting because the market is so saturated?

Porn is more convenient than ever.  So are videos of welsh corgies playing tether ball.  Access is great, even in a world where there are snuff films.  When we lose access to each other, I believe, we are worse off. So we're going to let a little ugly in with the good.  Also if your issue with porn is how it objectifies people (especially women), objectifying here means removing them of their humanity, again I would argue for access and not against.  If you are worried you have a problem with something talk to a person about it.  I get second and third opinions on things all the time.

Fucking is a part of being a person. Speak with candor and understanding.  Be aware of your own desires in the world.  Pursue that which brings joy and does not harm.  Be responsible for your own actions.  Help someone if they need it.  And don't you dare lash out at the porn industry without addressing the larger problem of sex and it's importance in a healthy human life, you cowards.

Additional thoughts.  Why is prostitution illegal and porn legal?  It is illegal to have sex with someone for money.  It is legal to be paid to shoot a video in which you have sex, not simulated sex, actual sex, with someone? That's a bit weird.  I'm not condoning prostitution. I'm acknowledging a legal oddity.

I was raised in a christian faith, which I am attempting to retain.  However, I do not believe that it is healthy to frighten and stifle a child who is, or will some day desire some form of sexual expression.  You don't hear that premarital sex is dirty and evil and then magically feel great about sex once you get married, I don't think.  I've never been married and can't say for certain.

Pornography and I can both exist in a socially responsible world.  Perhaps we already do.